Friday night dullness

This has been a trying week for me. I had to go to court three times. I went to court Wednesday cause Mom and Matt tried to get an abusive prevention order against Caleb. Since he wasn't there, the court couldn't do anything. Thursday was fun. It was the only day where I didn't have to be anywhere. I took my time getting ready for the day Thursday. Mom and I went to the Pru and Copley malls to hang out for a few hours that day. We got coffee at Starbucks and browsed stores for clothes and shoes we'll never be able to afford.
Last night, I went out to play ultimate glow in the dark frisbee. A small group of people from Park Street had gathered at a park in Cambridge, on the red line. Josh had given me directions on how to get to this park. It was kind of hidden but I managed to find it. I'd eaten before I went out cause the group went to dinner at Bertucci's. I didn't order anything. I just ate rolls and had water. Dwan, a girl who was with the group offered me a picce of pizza.
I left to head home around 10. Today, I went to the meeting with the assitant D.A., Kim, D.A. Jay, and officer Prince. I told them all that I want to drop the remaining charges against Matt. I'd feel safe when I move back to Beverly to live with him, etc. They'd asked me if this all was my decsion. I said it was. Jay asked me what's going on with Caleb. I didn't say anything cause I would get emotional, plus I didn't want to hear what Officer Prince would say if I went on to tell them how Caleb abused me and all. I let them think what they wanted.
The meeting wasn't very long, about a half hour. I met Mom outside. We had coffee at the yacht club, then went out to lunch at the 99. Caleb or his parents has called Mom's cell recently. After lunch, Mom met Matt at the Best Buy in Saugus to have her cell # changed again. She thinks Caleb and his parents got her old # from something I wrote for the courts.
I tooled around the malls again after I'd gotten back into town. I got some samples and stuff. Mom had tried getting me some cash to go out tonight but she didn't put the cash Matt had got her today in her wallet. She and Christina went to the ballet tonight. I won't do much tonight. I'll watch sitcoms until 8, then watch whaever is good on cable in the den.

Can't wait to move

I can't wait to move home. I have to appar in court a few times this week. Starting with tomorrow. I guess I'll read the letter I wrote telling that I want to drop the charges I brought against Matt. I never meant to do any of this. Caleb and his parents pressured me into filing the charges. This summer, they were angry at Matt cause they believed that he'd done these things. I guess Laurie still belives Matt is guilty. Caleb probably does as well.
I've been doing okay. These days I've gone back to going to Park Street Church. I've continued going to Connecting Group Tuesday nights. I'm sure I'll make new friends. Most of the people I'd met last year have joined individual small groups by now or whatever. I've seen some guys I'd met last year. Only a few familar faces remain. Friday night, I went to a welcome dinner. Kristen hosted the dinner at her apartment. From the looks of her apartment, she must have a good job. She's moving to a new place soon. Why would she leave the aprtment she has ? I'd like to live there.
I saw Josh that night. I talked with other guys that I'd met a few nights ago. The guy/girl ratio worked in my favor Friday night. I didn't make any real connections but I had a good time. Saturday, I did laundry. Mom had gone to meet Matt for dinner that night. I had to watch Christina which is always fun. I escaped to the Pru mall for an hour to break up the monotomy. I got back around 6 in time to make dinner. I watched the game that night and was phsyched that the Sox would play game 7 but lose to Tampa Bay.
All I can say is better luck next year for the Sox to win. I guess I'll watch the World Series. After the World Series, I'll switch gears to football or hockey.
This afternoon, I went to CVS to buy notebooks and pens then I went up to the Starbucks on MA Ave across from Berklee. College students were there working on thier laptops and talking amongst themeselves. It was crowded, there were no open tables. I asked a girl who was working on her laptop if I could sit with her. Relucatantly, she said yes. She must've thought I'd steal her cell phone. Once I'd taken off my jacket, she hid it under the table. It's a post 911 world. Everyone judges.
I wrote some poems while at Starbucks. I'd gotten another mocha. I wrote poems until 4:30ish then went to the Pru mall. I had Christina's charge card but told myself to buy what I wanted and leave. I could've spent way more on clothes and shoes. I just went to Sephora to buy a travel perfume and lipstick combo for $26.00. The girl at checkout assumed I couldn't afford it. She must've been surprised when I charged it.
I got back home around 5:30. I watched some of the news. Mom put a chicken pie in the oven for dinner. Yes, my life is sooo exciting ! Big deal. I'll have chicken pie for dinner, then read more shit Matt wants me to read. I'm appearing in court most of this week. Tomorrow it's to drop charges against Matt. Wednesday, it's for the abusive prevention order against Caleb. Friday it's a meeting with the assistant D.A.s, and probably Officer Prince. She'll be at court tomororw. I'll stand firm and not let her sway me into saying otherwise.
I've heard Caleb is hanging out with Mikey and other low lifes in Beverly. Carol has seen him with these people and walking alone. I don't know if he lives at the Y on Cabot street or whatever. I don't want to run into Caleb downtown but I probably will if I move back to live in Beverly. I've been advised to call 911 if I see him in the same places I go. The police would come and take him away. I don't want Caleb to go to jail. He wouldn't be able to handle it mentally.
I don't know what I'd do if I ran into him. He's called the home # to leave a long message that him and his parents want to get our marriage anulled. Mom and Matt suggest that I go through the entire divorce process and not remain friends with Caleb cause he could abuse me and try to sway my opinions agaist Matt.
I'll go to connecting group tomorrow night. I hope I don't rush there cause Mom decided to have drinks with Matt for half an hour then Mom would have to drop me off at the corner of MA Ave to go to the subway to be at Park Street in time for connecting group. I' ve heard people might go to Kennedy's afterwards and maybe try to get Jason's job back. Jason is a bartender that we all liked and was recently fired from Kennedy's. I don't know why he was fired. Jason seemed like a nice guy. He played good music while we all were there. If I end up going to Kennedy's, I'll try to have money for a drink. Or ask one of my friends to buy me one.
Wednesday night, some people will play utimate glow in the dark frisbee. I'll come but I won't play. I'll hang out on the sidelines with people. We're having dinner afterwars, so I'll try to have some money for this. Thursday is my only free day this week. I think Mom and I will move back home soon. One more week living here, at least that's what I heard. I have to drop the charges against Matt and tell the judge that I'd feel safe if I live with Matt. I'll probably know more if I'll move back home by the end of the week.
This has been one hellish year. I hope the new year is far better than this one. I'm spending the holidays with my dad and stepmom. I don't know if Heidi will spend the holidays with us. She's still dating her boyfriend Rob, who is a busssinessman of some type. I always knew Heidi would find a rich guy to live with. She's lucky. She still has somone to sleep with. I miss having a guy to sleep with. Not for sex, just to have a guy to sleep with!

My friend Bono

Joshua sings like Bono! I swear he sounds very like him! Last weekend was a bust. Since I was bored, I decided to call John to ask if he'd like to hang out. We agreed to meet at Starbucks on Hunnington Ave. John was supposed to meet me by 2:30. It was after 3 when he got there. He said it was busy at Park Street.
We hung out for the remaider of the day. I've told him about Caleb and all. He wants to hang out with me to get me out of my funk and laugh more. He had his laptop with him cause he wanted me to watch an online church service. We watched that at the Sheraton Hotel- just to plug into wi-fi cause there wasn't a good connection at Starbucks.
I didn't feel attracted to John like I had in the past. I didn't feel anything for him. I wanted to go to Park Street Sunday but I didn't have money on my Charlie card. Sunday was too boring to remember. I didn't do anything Monday either. I don't remember if I did anything exciting. I think I went to the Pru mall to hang out for some of the afterrnoon to get away from Mom and Christina.
Tuesday I had therapy in Beverly. Tuesday night I went to Cafe. It was large group. I saw Joshua there. Of-course I was there early. Joshua came early as well. He sat with me during the service. It seemed that we're connecting which is good but I have to remember that I'm not dating this guy so I shouldn't feel crappy when he talks to other girls.
Some small groups had openings to sign up for after large group. I went downstairs, met some new guys but didn't make any real connections other than with Joshua. I didn't talk to many girls... like I've said the faces this year are new. I have to make friends all over again which isn't hard cause I did that last year.
Cafe is having some social events this fall. I'll probably go to most of them. It's good that there are social events to go to while I'm staying here. Speaking of which, the other day, Mom told me that there is a possibility of the three of us moving in to live with Christina. Originally, Matt had suggested that Christina would move in to live with us in Beverly but now he's realized that it would be a hard sell to convince her to move away from Boston and all the places she's familiar with.
It's not definite that we'd be moving to Boston. I'll probably live with Mom and Matt in Beverly this year, but I bet we'll move in to live with Christina in the not too distant future. When/if this happens, I'll tranfer to Bunker Hill Community College, get some type of certificate which is jack shit in this economy! I'll go to Northeastern for two more years to get my assocociates' degree so I'll be employable!
Tongiht, I'm going to a concert at Symphony Hall with Mom and Christina. She's mentioned going out to eat tongiht. We'll go to Legal Seafood before the concert. Tomorrow night, I'm going to the welcome dinner. Park Street no longer hosts welcome dinner. That's good. When Park Street hosted, the food wasn't that great. It was more cafestira style. Now, welcome dinners are hosted at people's apartments or homes.
People will gather at Park Street at 7pm. Joshua is going :) Of course the weekend will boring. I'll go to church Sunday afternoon but that's about it. Saturday afternoon, I'll probably escape to the Pru mall for awhile. Even if the weather isn't great, I'll still go out for awhile. Anything is better than sititng around all day watching reruns of cable news with Mom and Christina.

It's Friday night and I'm feeling allright

I haven't updated my blog since Wednesday! Sadly, nothing new has gone on since then. I've called a computer tech support service to fix the connection between this computer and the printer. Someone will be here at 10am. This means Mom and I will have to get up early to eat breakfast, shower, etc before 10am..
There will be no lounging tomorrow morning :( I like to lounge in front of the mindless crap that's morning talk shows for a few hours. I don't have much motivation to get up and go. Mom and I will duke it out as to when I actually get my lazy ass off the couch.
Once the printer is working, I'll spend most of the weekend writing those letters. Mom and I were gonna cook dinner tonight. Mom and Christina ate TV dinners cause I had left around 5ish to tool around the Pru mall. I was out for an hour or less! I wanted to have a real dinner. I had to cook pizza in the oven. The Sox game is on at 8:30ish. I'll stare at whatever is good on TV until then. I don't watch any of the Friday night shows. I think there is nothing good on. I wish there could be shows I do watch on TV Friday nights.
I'm looking forward to moving back to Beverly. I miss my friends. I'm lonely most of the time around here. I do keep somewhat busy when Mom and I drive up to Beverly and all but I never see my friends cause I'm not really there to see friends. I'm there to go to therapy and do errands with Mom.
Monday is a holiday. I have therapy Tuesday. Since Monday is a holiday, maybe Mom, Christina, and I can go out to dinner? We'd go to Uno's cause it's less expensive than Legal Seafoods. We may or may not go out Saturday night to that projected oprea thing. It depends if Matt can get tickets to Mom or whatever.
While at the Pru mall, I was tired and wanted to get a sample of coffee. I asked a guy who was working at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks if they gave samples. That Starbucks doesn't give out samples. I walked to Starbucks at the Sheraton Hotel and asked there. Since they're a hotel and all, the girl gave me half a cup!
I noticed a piano sitting, unplayed in one section of the hotel. It made me think of Caleb and John. They'd be playing the piano if they were there with me.
Since the ecomony is very poor these days, I heard retailers are pushing holiday sales earlier than usual. It's Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all in one long trip to the malls. I have barely thought of Christmas shopping but if this is true I might as well do it now. Or I could have to buy people 5 and 10 dollar gifts!
Monday is only Columbus Day! Before long it will be Halloween. I hope I'm living in Bevelry by Halloween! I know friends don't go to Haunted Happenings anymore, but it would be nice to be home before a month goes by! In the event that I'm not home by Halloween, then I hope Cafe or people at Cafe have parties.

Cafe Connections

I did go to Cafe last night. Matt gave Mom $5.00 thinking it would be spending money for her. Uh, just $5.00 is barely spending money at all. It's enough to get coffee at Starbucks if that! She gave me the $5.00 which I put on my Charlie card. I had a good time at Cafe. Most of the faces has changed since I haven't gone to Cafe on a regular basis in a year.
I didn't see my friend, Erica. I hope she still goes to a small group. I did see some people I know from my time in Boston last year. I met Josh at Connecting group. I didn't feel excited with blind love just cause we talked for a few minutes and he told me that he'll pray for me. I'm hardly ready to meet guys for romantic reasons. It was nice of Josh to talk to me cause I felt so ugly and overweight while I rode the subway to Park Street.
Mom is doing better. She has to have her arm in a sling for two weeks. Niether of us knows how to put her arm in the sling so she doesn't wear it much. I know this could be bad for her shoulder that is trying to heal but there isn't many people around during the day to show Mom how to do this.
I didn't do much over the weekend. It was so boring, I forgot what I did ! Monday, I went to therapy in Lynn. I cried for most of the sesssion cause I was emotional to talk about Caleb. I haven't done much today except write a diary entry on the computer, check e-mail, now I'm writing a blog. I know this is dull and hardly exciting to read but my life isn't very exciting with going to work, school, etc. I want to take classes at Northshore again. I'm not taking any classes this semester cause I didn't enroll this past summer.
I wanted to but it was hard for me to get to Salem. Laurie, Caleb's mom works most of the week and it was hard to get to Beverly or Salem cause I had to get a ride to the bus stop in Danvers Square and get a ride back to Caleb's house once I got back there.
I'll probably enroll for classes for spring semester. It will be good for me to do something constructive with my time instead of feeling depressed and shitty all winter. Matt's kids are upset with me over what has gone on. I won't be seeing Lynn and her family anytime soon. I don't think I'll see Richard and Linda either. I don't know how we'll work out the holidays. I might be in Beverly for the Thanksgiving and probably spend Christmas with Dad and Linda.
I don't know if I'll see Heidi over the holidays. She'll probably see Rob's family or go somewhere else's house. She has friends all of the country. She could even spend the holidays on a white sand beach in Hawaii! I still think Heidi's life is perfect. She lives in fricking Florida!!! Her job is probably still managing Anne Taylor unless she manages another store.
I have to realize that Heidi didn't start out in the workforce managing clothing stores. While she was in high school and college she worked the average jobs. Could I work at an average job ? Oh, if only society would give me a chance! What would I like to do? Anything that isn't minumum wage jobs! I have more skills than that!
I have limited options for these jobs cause I can't do anything fact paced like work at a nursing/retiremen home in the kitchen. I can't stand 18 hours on my feet working any counter job or bagging groceries. I have to have a little higher job- a job I sit down at such as doing genral office work. Of course none of these jobs are availble right now. I can only try getting intrnships through Northshore.

Two week stay in Beantown

Ugh. Mom's snoring woke me up last night. I slept on the couch for the remainder of the night. Christina must've went to bed early last night cause she was up early today. I think Mom cracked or bruised a bone in her shoulder. She was in some real pain and called Matt who picked her and Christina up to go to Lahey Clinic in Burlington.
I've kept somewhat busy this afternoon. I watched some of a cheesy romantic comedy I've seen before, and been on and offline. There's preseason hockey later on. Since Mom probably won't be here to watch the game, I won't watch it myself cause I'm not a huge hockey fan. Tomorrow, two games are being played- the Pats in the afternoon, then the Sox game at night.
It's hard not being with Caleb and not being able to contact him. I know he's not the right guy for me but I do miss him. He's probably doing okay. The last time I talked to him, he told me that he's gonna rent a room at the Y on Cabot street.
We're gonna be leagally separated soon followed by divorce. It sucks that I'm in Boston for two weeks or so and don't have any freind's #s to call to hang out. If I go to Cafe Tuesday night I'll get #s then. Until Tuesday, I'll find things to do tomorrow. Monday, I have to go to Beverly for therapy. I hope Mom is well enough to drive me. If not, I'll take the train and bus.
Next weekend, Mom and I are going to see an oprea in a movie theater in Revere. The New York Metropolitan opera's concert will be shown in Revere.
I want to see and talk to Matt these days but I know I can't- at least not now. It's not even 3:00. The news will be on as soon as the golf and tennis games are over. The news isn't on until these games are fully over. I didn't really see the news earlier cause I was taking care of Mom.
I could leave Christina's to go out, but I'd have to call Mom's cell to tell her that I'm going out. This sounds good on paper cause I don't have a key to Christina's apt. I'll have to stay here until whenever Mom gets back from Lahey. She'll be sitting in the ER for awhile . I think she'll be seen sooner cause of the pain she's in. I hope she's not admitted to stay there. If this happens then I'd have to be here alone all day during the week!
I haven't heard anything from her. She's probably waiting in the ER. I can't wait to move back to Beverly so I can see my friends and all. I know they can't see me all of the time cause they work during the week. It will be good to have coffee with them, see movies on DVD, whatever. It's 20 of 3:00. Should I drink now or wait until later? There's a few beers in the fridge. I guess it won't hurt if I have one now. It's the weekend!

and the shit goes on

Today, Mom and I are going to Salem District court to file the restraining orders against Caleb and his parents. Matt wrote a summary of Caleb's abuse. I read it, and found out some things I didn't really know about or knew but didn't register at the time. Mom and I will live in Boston at Christina's apt for the next two weeks until everything is normal again.
Josh, Caleb's brother will be the only way to contact Caleb.
Mom and Matt don't want to put Caleb in jail cause they know that this wouldn't be good for his mental health. However, they do want to see some type of justice. How do I feel ? I really don't know at this point regarding not being with Caleb anymore. I do feel like I'm safe though and my family and extended families are glad of this.
I'll be staying in Beverly until tomorrow afternoon. I'll find things to do while I'm staying in Boston. I'll probably get reaquainted with my freinds at Park Street. I know I'll see John. He's not pursuing me like he was before. I know not to date him ever again cause of what he'd done to me. Ugh two crappy realionships so far.
I'm reminded of a scene from Sex in the City. Carrie is sleeping with a new guy ( think Jon Bon Jovi played). They met a therapy office and hit it off well. While in bed, Carrie asked why her new beau is in therapy. He replies, I sleep with women then leave. He asked, What about you? "I sleep with the wrong men". Oh how true this is with me. I've had two crappy realtionships not cause of just sex. I pick the wrong men. John and Caleb are prime examples.
Who is the right type of guy for me to have a long term, loving realtionship with for me ? I know the anwer but I don't want to admit it. Sigh, it's not the types of guys I want. It's guys whom I'd rather not date or just be friends with.