Hurts so Good

I'm in so much pychogial pain these days. Sometimes it hurt so much it hurts physically. Caleb is still calling me. I've heard from Carol that he's doing this on purpose. How would she know? Mom and I ran into her and her husband, Dave at HES after I met with my psychiatrist. Carol told Mom and I to tell Matt that I'd pay the $5.00 or whatever is costs to get our # unlisted. It's a small price to pay for my sanity. Matt could take the money out of my ssi accounts.
I'm in Boston tonight and tomorrow night. Mary is fake sick. She called earlier today to tell Mom and I that she couldn't work tonight cause she's sick. Mom and I don't believe this. We think she's making it up. So, after going to Wallgreen's to get my meds filled, we drove back here.
Mom and I ate dinner first then fed her. After dinner, I went to the malls to walk around for awhile. I got back around 8ish. Mom is watching hockey. I hope the B's are winning now. I'll watch some of the game then watch whatever is good on TV Wednesday nights.
I've been so depressed lately and down that I've been dabbling in self mutilation. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless. On these days my physical pain is intense, so hurting myself numbs the pain a bit. I know this isn't good... I've told this to my friend, Matt whom is concerned for me. It's nice of him to care... but sometimes I feel that life has no meaning. Like day and out, week in and out and nothing to strive for.
I think I'll have some things to do soon. Matt might sign me up for driver's ed lessons, so I can get my permit then liscense. I want to take classes soon. I went to Cafe last night. I took the train into town. There wasn't a lot of people at large group. I saw Matt, Patrick. A Jewish couple were the speakers. Thier story was interesting. They had Jewish folk dances downstairs. I didn't dance. I just watched people and ate desserts.
I went to Kennedy's afterwards for an hour or so then took the late train home. I made mac n cheeese in the mircowave and watched Conan. I need to do my Christmas shopping soon- like asap- this weekend! I need to get$$$ from my ssi account, Matt, my dad, anyone so I can get gifts for everyone! Time is running out fast! If I get money soon, very soon, I'll get gifts this weekend. Mom and I will sit Christina in front of the History channel and hide the remote.
I should be spending Christmas with Dad and Linda. My dad had an minor operation done to one of his eyes. He'll be laid up for a few weeks. At worse case scenario, Mom and Matt would drive me to Dad's or I'd take the commuter rain ot Attleboro and Linda would pick me up. Something will be worked out. My family doesn't want me to spend Christmas alone. Now, New Year's Eve ? That's another story.