my stuff

Small Group Winter Retreat 2009

2009-02-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

I had a *very* good weekend! I went to Lake Winnsepsake with Cafe small group. It was sooo much fun! It was good to get away from the ho-hum of everyday life. Esp Mom! Matt picked me up in Beverly at 6:30ish Friday night. I rode up with Matt, Brian, and Erin. Brian and Erin live in the city. Matt lives in the north end. He picked them up first then drove to Beverly to pick me up.
Matt had asked me to send him my address last week cause he has as GPS device in his car. GPS doesn't really recongnize my address cause it's very distinct. GPS directed Matt to my street just the wrong condo!
I laughed so much on the ride up to New Hampshire, my sides were litarlly hurting! Brian has a very witty sense of humor. I even did my scream laugh ! I don't do this often. The last time I did scream laugh was oh, back when I was dating John. I think Caleb got me to do scream laugh as well but that doesn't count.
Matt, Brian, Erin, and I stopped at a cafe to get dinner. They haven't really eaten yet. Matt took a picture of me doing my scream laugh with my camera. I want to update my profile picture on Facebook with the picture of me laughing. I'll do this as soon as my stepdad gives me a cable for my camera so I can upload my pics.
We all got to Camp Brookwood (the camp Park Street uses for retreats). I had been to this camp years ago when I used to go Real Life ( the college fellowship group in Boston that still meets at Harvard). In those days Real Life took coach buses to Camp Brookwood. I heard they did this back then cause not as many people came on that retreat.
My stepdad registered me online. I registered late. I'll remember to register early for the summer retreat in August. So... afer dinner, Matt, Brian, Erin, and I continued on. We got to the camp late. We registered at the Deer Run lodge. Erin and I were in the same cabin. Matt drove us to our cabin to put our stuff away. He and Brian stayed in the cabin next door.
I stayed up late this weekend. Saturday was fun. Lots to do. I went tubing for my winter activity, jornaled in front of a fireplace, formal dinner for Cafe Saturday night, a skit show called American Idolarty- with judges as well! Small groups, talked with friends, met new people. It was good to get away. Very relaxing. I wish it was for a week not a weekend!
I guess there was a snowstorm in northern New England Sunday night. We heard that the storm would start around noon. It was just rain at that time but I heard it did snow overnight. Matt wanted to leave for Boston early due to the weather. We ate lunch then left. Once we were in Boston, Matt dropped Erin off at Park Street. She works with one of the kids' groups. Matt and Brian drove me to Christina's. I called Matt on the way into Boston. Matt told me that they were leaving Cambridge.They saw a play but it was just one act. They didn't go out to eat afterwards. Matt and Brian dropped me off. Matt live parked his car on the corner. Brian stayed with the car in case a cop shows up.
Matt met my stepdad Matt and Mom, and Christina breifly. I walked him to the unit door and said bye. I might see him tonight. I'll see Erin. She told me she'll be at Cafe. I was sooo tired Sunday from staying up late this past weekend. Normally, Sunday nights I sleep on the couch cause Mom suffurs from sleep ampmia. She snores so loud! I was so tired, I didn't hear her at all! Last night I was more alert. I slept on the couch.
Tonight Mom, Matt, and I are staying in town cause Matt has to take Christina to an appointment tomrorow. Woo hoo! I can stay out late. I won't stay out too late. Most people leave Kenndy's around 11ish but I won't be surprised if those who went on the retreat leave earlier.

Good Times

2009-02-15T08:43:00.000-08:00

Wow. I haven't written a blog in awhile. I think I posted a blog last Saturday. I finally signed up for small group retreat. Matt singed me up Wednesday. Two days before registration ended! I'm gonna register early for the next retreat which is in late summer.
After Matt had completed online registration, he printed out all the paperwork. He asked me how I'd be getting up to Lake Winnespesake. I told him that there would be buses that would take everyone from Park Street to Lake Winnespesake. Then I realized that this is probably not true. I sent a group e-mail to friends on Facebook to ask people if I could ride up with them.
I should've arranged a ride in advance as well cause the first few replies were from friends who's cars are full. Then, Matt told me I could ride up with him, Brian. I'm phsyched about the retreat. I just hope it doens't snow, like a storm. I heard next weekend will be colder. As long as nothing is falling out of the sky!
I'm going to church at Park Street today. There isn't a play or anything tonight, so Mom and Christina will come to Boston later. Not later later. Last Sunday, I went to church. I went to the 6:30 service and saw nobody I knew. As usual, when church was over, people filed out the doors to go home. So, I went to Kennedy's which was very boring. I didn't have enough money for a drink so I got soda. I sat at the bar watching TV until 8:30. If I do this tonight, I'm gonna leave Kenndy's at 9 or 9:30. It doesn't take long for me to get to Christina's apt.
Mom doesn't know when they'll eat dinner. Matt usually works at the computer for awhile, around 6 or so they eat dinner. Mom and Matt clean up which takes time. Last Sunday, since I left Kenndy's earlier than I should've I was locked out of Christina's apt. I stood in the doorway until someone let me in. I knocked on a neighbor's door but got no answer until I knocked again. She was gonna get the key to let me in, just when Mom and Christina came back.
I walked to the train station earlier today. As I was getting close, I saw a train head towards Boston. I used to know the schedule by heart back when I dated John. I forgot that there is a train at 2:34 that goes to Boston. There was another train at 3:16. When I got to the station I asked people if they were waiting for a train. Of course nobody was. The most common anwers people give me are they're waiting for someone to pick them up or they're meeting someone.
I was a little late for church. Service was good. I saw some couples around me. ick. There was coffee and cookies in the welcome center. I got coffee and as much cookies as I could. I thought I'd have to fill up on sugar cause I didn't take something from home to eat.
I ran into some friends from Cafe. Josh, Joel, Sarah, and Erica- not Erica Smith, a different Erica. We went to Kennedy's for dinner. Erica offered to buy me dinner :) We hung out for about a half hour or so. Josh and I dropped by Park Steet to see if they had more coffee and cookies out, since there's a 6:30 service. There must've not been anything for people who went to the 6:30 service cause all the tables were bare.
I took the subway back to St. Botroph street. As usual, Mom and Christina weren't home. I buzzed a neighbor's unit again to be let in. This woman is rather cold. She doen't help us out. She let me in the condo but didn't go downstairs to get the key to Christina's *unit* cause she was still in the middle of something aka probably having nookie with her husband. "In the middle of something" is usually code for that type of stuff.
I sat in the front stairwel for awhile, checking my watch every five minutes. By 9ish I decided to walk to Braisiere Jo's to get water and sit at another bar. At first the bartender was miffed that I'm so poor I can't afford soda for $3. When I told him my story, he relaxed a bit.
I left around 10 to head back to Christina's. I brought a soda at 7-Eleven to kill more time. They still weren't there by the time I got there. I waited for them in the parking lot until they got here. They came rolling in around 10:30. Once we all were inside, I logged on to Facebook. Nobody was online :( I'll probably check Facebook on and off until whenever, hoping someone will be online- someone to talk to.

What a week

2009-02-07T18:43:00.000-08:00

What a week! I've been going practically non stop! Monday night, I was in Boston, as usual we had to commute back to Christina's then I went shopping. We ended up staying in town Tuesday and Wednesday night. I think we even stayed overnight Thursday. It looks like Mary is off the radar. Mom, Matt, and I will probably take turns staying in Boston until we move Christina to Beverly to live with us. Mom thinks this will happen soon. I don't know exactly when it will happen but I agree it will happen soon.

The opera was okay. Mom and I ate dinner at the bar before going to the concert. Neither of us really wanted to see the opera so we took our time eating dinner and stuff. Matt had dropped us off at the theater and picked up Christina. They didn't eat- they came directly to the theater. We went to Uno's afterwards. The opera wasn't very long like the last one we saw. Uno's was open. Matt got dinner. Christina got a salad. Matt tried to suggest things for her to eat but she only wanted a salad.

Thursday night, I was in town with Mom. I went to A Night of Non-Musical prayer and Worship. It was okay. It was cold outside that night which could be one of the reasons not many people showed up. A handfull of people showed up. I ended up writing for the hour or so. I saw my friend Brian there. He goes to MIT. I know that MIT students tend to focus thier studies on science and math- two of my worst subjects in school.

Last night there was a benefit concert at Park Street. It didn't occur to me to stay in town yesterday while Mom, Matt, and Christina went home. I came with them to the northshore only to commute back to Boston. I took the bus into town. I take two buses, one to Salem Depot from Beverly and a second bus from there to Haymarket station which isn' too bad cause I get to Park Street faster than taking the subway from North Station to Park Street.

The bus going to Salem Depot was late. I was meeting Rebecca, a friend I've met at Cafe over the fall. We had planned to meet at Starbucks in Downtown Crossings, get coffee and chat until 7:30ish to go to the concert. By the time I got to Park Street station and found my way to Starbucks I had enough time to just get coffee and chat for a few minutes. I guess Rebecca wanted to sit with me but we got separated from each other once we got to church.
The benefit concert was very good. A few people I know played music. Afterwards there was food- not food food but junk stuff, cookies, brownies, etc. I tried not to eat too much of that crap... I didn't eat a real dinner cause of the delayed commute and wasn't gonna gorge on cookies and all and call that dinner !
Fortunately, someone gave me fair trade bannannas. It was better than chocolate which I could've brought but said no. If I had brought chocolate I would've eaten it before I got my train home. Kevin, who I guess is one of the older adults who works at Park Street kicked all us young folks out by 10. During the week we have to leave by 9:30 tops. I usually go to Kenndy's with people anyway.
Oh, but Thursday night everyone who had come out to Park Street for the non-musical thing had left to go home or to bed or whatever cause most of them had to be up for work or school. I have neither right now so I went to Kenndy's to hang out. Mom had taken Christina to see some play at the Hunnington Theater that night. I knew the non-musical thing would get over way earlier than the play. If I'd gone back to Christina's apartment assuming Mom and Christina were home, I'd be out of luck, and would have to wait around in the cold until they finally did come back.
So, when I got to Kenndy's I didn't see anyone I knew. It was fairly crowded there, mostly college age students hanging out with friends. There was a Celtics game on... Celtics vs Lakers and of course LA beat us -again ! It was a very close game. The game was over by 11ish. I got back to Christina's place later. Mom was asleep when I came in. Facebook wasn't loading on Matt's computer. I had sat there and tried everything to get it to log on but nothing! By 2am I was like screw it! I'll try again tomorrow. It worked fine the next day.
So, last night, I wanted to buy food at McDonald's which happened to be still open that late. There was a line of people and only one person on the registers. Of course the food ran out quicker than if two people were working the registers! They offered ice cream for food but again- not a real dinner! I ate a bannanna on the train then cooked a mini pizza in at home.
I had to get up early today to go to driver's ed- the final class! No more having to get up early on Saturdays! I ended up going online for a few hours after I got home. I watched some of Letterman then decided to try out going online. For awhile I haven't been able to log online using my stepdad's computer cause he had screensaver security stuff on it which didn't allow me to log on. Lately, I've only been able to go online when I'm at Christina's. Now I can go online practically anytime!
This is a good thing. I can always keep in touch with friends but it can also be a bad thing which I found out how alluring Facebook can be late at night. Most people are online late cause of the school and work thing. Tonight, I can stay up as late as I want but within reason! I won't be online all night! I think a fair stopping time it 2am or so cause I get really tired at that hour. When I can't sleep right awway I'll go online and talk to a friend until I get tired! Who needs milk to help insomnia when you can log online and chat with a friend who lives 3,000 miles away from you physically but it's like they're talking with you on the phone, and live in the same town, if not the same state.
Needless to say, it was a bitch getting up today. I was sooo tired! I've been sitting at the computer for awhile tonight. I gotta take a break cause my joints are hurting me from sitting for so long. When you go online you lose track of time very easily.

Goals to achieve...the silver lining of happiness ?

2009-02-02T14:56:00.000-08:00

Caleb called last weekend. He wants to know when we'll start the annulment/divorce proceedings. He thinks that if we wait too long it will cost more money. I don't know about that but I do want to get this thing started asap. I think Matt looked up a legal aid or priviate attorney to help me out. When I talk to this person, I'll tell him/her about how Caleb abused med and all the shit I had to go through last summer.
Today was the typical schedule. Go to Beverly for an hour or so, go to therapy. Come home. Wait until Mom is finished making lunches for Matt and herself before I can heat up a bowl of soup in the microwave and eat befor we have to go back to town to take care of Christina for the night.
I think Mary is working tomorrow night. Wednesday afternoon, Mom, Matt, and I are coming back here cause we're taking Christina to the opera thing at the movie theater in Revere. I'm going too cause Matt brought me a ticket. Mary should work Thursday night since we'll be here Wednesday.
After Mom and I got to Christina's I went to the Pru mall to buy some things. I got my Clinique mosterizer that Mom used during the summer when I wasn't home. I also got All About Eyes which I think Caleb used most of that. No comment there.
I got coffee at Starbucks and soap at Barney's New York. The soap cost $17! I thought that store is expensive! I got hair serum at The Body Shop that tames my frizz and flyaways good.
After I brought the skin care at Barney's New York I left the malls. I knew if I was there longer I'd spend more money I don't have. Tomorrow I'm going to Cafe. Even if it's snowing out. I don't care. There are always a small group of brave souls who trek to Park Street rain, snow, or shine.
I'm going on a retreat with Cafe in a few weeks. We're going to Lake Winnpesake. We stay at a camp BU owns up there. I think the following Saturday is the dance I've been looking forward to. I'll have to hook up with freinds who can pick me up or whatever.

It's a Beautiful Day

2009-01-23T06:57:00.000-08:00

It was a beautiful day when Barrack Obama officially became the 44th President of the United States. I, like most of this country hopes for good change to happen to this country. I'd like to see the ecomomy get better so there will be more jobs. If consumers aren't buying things, the stores and companies and stuff will suffer, cut jobs, etc then we'll spiral down into a recession.
I've been feeling better these days. I went to welcome dinner last Friday. Someone named Suzie was hosting the dinner at her apartment in Brookline. I met some people and stuff. At this welcome dinner, there was a real dinner, not just soup or pizza.
I had to leave early cause I had driver's ed in the morning. After driver's ed, Mom, Matt, Christina and I ate dinner at the Anchor before going to Boston to see a play at the ART. The play was The Seagull. I thought it was good, it was a more serious play, written by a Russian playwright so it was melodramtic. The play was long- it was nearly 11pm when it was over.
We stayed up late Saturday night watching movies and shows on TV. I didn't do much Sunday. Just went to Boston to stay the night. Mary is still in Irealnd, so Mom and I have been in Boston for most of this week. I went to Cafe Tuesday night but didn't have to worry about having money for the train. I went to Connecting Group. Someone had brought cookies for snacks. I talked to some people then went to Kenndy's to hang out. I didn't have enough money for beer. I just got soda which didn't cost me anything.
I think I had confindence that night which drew people in to hang out with me. I got two invites- one from John to go ice skating tongiht at a community skating rink in Cambridge. I was gonna rent skates and have someone help me while I skate, but I told Mom and Matt about my plans and they said I couldn't ice skate cause I would get hurt from falling on the ice- like break a bone.
They said I could go out to meet people there and watch people ice skate. I'm debating whether or not I should still go out. I'd get out of the house but I'd have to find something to eat and with the money I have, I can't afford much for food.
Patrick invited me to do something a week from tomorrow. I might still have driver's ed but I'll go out afterwards. I'll give Patrick my e-mail Tuesday.
Wednesday night, I saw an opera at a movie theater in Revere. The Metropoltian Opera tapes thier shows and replays them to movie theaters so people who can't afford to see the operas live can see them. We saw La Rondine. It was good. We didn't go out to eat. We ate at home. The next time, we'll go out to eat at a restarant that's inside the theater. I didn't mention that I'm going to the bathroom around Christina cause when I mention it, she minicks me and tells Mom she has to use the bathroom as well. Mom doesn't like spending all her time in bathrooms when we go out. The less times Christina goes, the better. When she doesn't have to at all, that's even better!

Friends. How many of us has them ?

2009-01-19T15:45:00.000-08:00

So, I've been trying to connect with people at Cafe but it's very frusterating. I just meet people and get asked "how was your week ?" Pretty boring. How about yours? Oh, wait. Your week wasn't dull. You work for a living. How lucky you are. The ecomony is too far down the crapshoot for someone like me to even consider getting a job.
I've yet to register for a class at Northshore Community College. I'll do that once I write this blog. I was gonna go to the school and register in person but Mom had other things to do. If I register online and find out how the hell you do this, then I'll be all set for this semester. I'm sort of keeping busy. I'm taking driver's ed on Saturdays. It's a goal of mine to get my permit, take the road test and get my license, and a car so that whenever the economy gets better, I'll be able to have a job that will pay well enough for me to support myself as much as I can.
While I'm going through this divorce process thing, I'll put my name in a few waiting lists for subsidized housing. It's another goal of mine to live indepdendently- away from Mom and Matt. I like living with them, but I'm not gonna live with them by the time I'm 40!
I still go to Cafe Tuesday nights but has made little to no connections with people there. These people work during the week. Which is why it's good for me to have something to do like taking a class at Northshore. It will break up the week, and make me feel cofindent.
I still want to go to the Y someday and get some exercise. Over the past few months, I've put on some weight. When I was with Caleb, I lost weight cause we rode bikes everywhere. I know I can't do this year round cause this is New England. Well, some people ride bikes year round. I don't though. I'm trying to get motivated enough to at least walk around town when I'm home or even in Boston!
No, what I choose to do is log online hoping someone will be on Facebook to talk to, eat ice cream late at night while watching TV. I hope I get out of this rut soon.

Three Months Notice

2009-01-08T16:32:00.000-08:00

For the past three months, I've been seeing John. I called him back in the fall to get together and talk cause I was so broken up about being separated from Caleb. We saw each other for three months, but not consistently.
We hung out about once a month for the past three months. I was starting to get used to seeing him but as usual, he changed his mind about us being together cause his family pressured him to do so.
John will never be his own man. He'll always do what others say is right for him. He'll probably be forever single cause I was the only girl who loved him and understood him, and had that chemistry... I'm sure I'll find love with a better guy someday.. somone who will be his own man!
In a way, I'm happy John and I will never be together cause I like flirtting with guys at Cafe. I know most of them have some type of job, so I can never messure up. Still, it's good to talk with other guys and make connections.
I'm gonna be taking driver's ed at a driving school in Salem starting this Saturday. The course is five Saturdays from 9am-4pm. That's a long day. I'm doing it so I can take the written test for my learner's permit. Once this happens, I'll go to Shangesey hospital to get evualted as to if I'll need adaptive eqipment for when I get my license and a car of my own.
I'll be so happy when I get my license and a car. I'll feel normal like everyone else. Having my license and a car will make me more markteable for jobs- if the ecomony ever gets better! I'd have the independence to go as a please and not have to rely on Mom, Matt, or friends to give me rides to places, I'd be out of the weather elements which would be good on bitterly cold days in the winter and hot humid days in the summer.
Tonight, I went to the Cambridge mall on the subway. I got a book at Borders. My aunt had given me $25 on a gift card. After I brought the book, I had $4 left on the card so I got a cafe mocha at the cafe. I was gonna drink my mocha and read the book I'd brought but I had to be at Christina's for dinner. John had written me on Facebook about us not dating anymore.. we won't go back and forth anymore. This is it. We'll never date again. He told me he wants to still keep in touch on Facebook. though! That's just a slap in the face and he knew it. I read his message and replied to it but I deleted him from my Facebook page. I'll ignore freind requests from him.
Still staying in Boston a few nights a week. I'm there now. It's almost 8pm. I'll log onto Facebook to see if there's any other friends I can talk to. I'll watch Grey's Anatomy at 9, watch the news at 10, my weekly Sex in the City fix, then go to bed. Yes, my life is so exciting.

Out and About

2008-12-27T15:34:00.000-08:00

I finally went out today! Going outside seemed foreign to me since I didn't go out at all yesterday. I spent the day checking Facebook to see if anyone was online.
I think I talked to John breifly last night. I watched movies with Dad and Linda for part of the day. Linda had to get laundry detregent. She asked if I'd like to go to Target with her.
I jumped at the chance to go out. I spent the money Dad and Linda gave me on a necklace, books, and DVDs at Target and body lotion, shower gel, and some clothes at TJ Maxx. When we got home, Linda ordered pizza. She rented a DVD at Stop and Shop for us to watch tonight. Some movie called 21.
Tomorrow, Nana is coming over for dinner. It will be good to see her since I haven't seen her in about a year. I think the last time I saw her was last Christmas. Oh, have things changed since then!

Nothing Like the Holidays

2008-12-25T08:33:00.000-08:00

Well, I finally got to a computer to write my blog. I'm spending a couple days with Dad and Linda. The plans worked out for me to take the train from Back Bay station to Attleboro. Linda and Dad picked me up. We didn't go out to midnight mass or anything. We watched A Christmas Story on TV.
Dad and Linda gave me a card they made off the computer with some cash. I'll have money to go shopping after Christmas. Two of my friends are engaged. My good friend Jenny Ross and Lynda Clare. Lynda lives in Texas now so I probably won't be able to go to her wedding. I'm sure I can go to Jenny's wedding cause she lives in MA.
We're having dinne at 4ish. In the meantime, Dad and Linda are watching Law and Order... goodie. I kind of knew I'd have to sit in front of crime dramas for most of the time I'm here. I watch these shows but I'd never watch them on my own.

Hurts so Good

2008-12-10T17:50:00.000-08:00

I'm in so much pychogial pain these days. Sometimes it hurt so much it hurts physically. Caleb is still calling me. I've heard from Carol that he's doing this on purpose. How would she know? Mom and I ran into her and her husband, Dave at HES after I met with my psychiatrist. Carol told Mom and I to tell Matt that I'd pay the $5.00 or whatever is costs to get our # unlisted. It's a small price to pay for my sanity. Matt could take the money out of my ssi accounts.
I'm in Boston tonight and tomorrow night. Mary is fake sick. She called earlier today to tell Mom and I that she couldn't work tonight cause she's sick. Mom and I don't believe this. We think she's making it up. So, after going to Wallgreen's to get my meds filled, we drove back here.
Mom and I ate dinner first then fed her. After dinner, I went to the malls to walk around for awhile. I got back around 8ish. Mom is watching hockey. I hope the B's are winning now. I'll watch some of the game then watch whatever is good on TV Wednesday nights.
I've been so depressed lately and down that I've been dabbling in self mutilation. Sometimes I just feel so hopeless. On these days my physical pain is intense, so hurting myself numbs the pain a bit. I know this isn't good... I've told this to my friend, Matt whom is concerned for me. It's nice of him to care... but sometimes I feel that life has no meaning. Like day and out, week in and out and nothing to strive for.
I think I'll have some things to do soon. Matt might sign me up for driver's ed lessons, so I can get my permit then liscense. I want to take classes soon. I went to Cafe last night. I took the train into town. There wasn't a lot of people at large group. I saw Matt, Patrick. A Jewish couple were the speakers. Thier story was interesting. They had Jewish folk dances downstairs. I didn't dance. I just watched people and ate desserts.
I went to Kennedy's afterwards for an hour or so then took the late train home. I made mac n cheeese in the mircowave and watched Conan. I need to do my Christmas shopping soon- like asap- this weekend! I need to get$$$ from my ssi account, Matt, my dad, anyone so I can get gifts for everyone! Time is running out fast! If I get money soon, very soon, I'll get gifts this weekend. Mom and I will sit Christina in front of the History channel and hide the remote.
I should be spending Christmas with Dad and Linda. My dad had an minor operation done to one of his eyes. He'll be laid up for a few weeks. At worse case scenario, Mom and Matt would drive me to Dad's or I'd take the commuter rain ot Attleboro and Linda would pick me up. Something will be worked out. My family doesn't want me to spend Christmas alone. Now, New Year's Eve ? That's another story.

Here comes Christmas

2008-12-04T17:27:00.000-08:00

Christmas in a few short weeks away. I need to go shopping for family soon. I had a good Thanksgiving. My grandparents and uncle came over. It was quiet. I didn't talk much cause I didn't want to talk about the year's events around them. I let Mom talk to Nana and Grandpy. Ricky was in "rare form" which means he was exicted and happy to be at the condo with everyone. Nana, Grandpy, and Ricky are out in CA now. They take Ricky to CA for Chistmas and New Year's. After the holidays he flies back east.
Nana and Grandpy spend a few months in CA then they fly east in April or May. I'll send gifts to them. So, Caleb has called my house a few times. He called to ask when could meet him so we can get our marriage anulled. Mom and Matt think we should divorce cause it's more legal that way.
Matt gave me a book to read called "Are You the One for Me?" It's a book about love and realtionships that a psycholgist wrote. It seems like a good book to read. It talks about making helathy love choices soon in a realionship and talks about warning signs to look out for in guys who aren't the right types for me.
I don't think I'll be looking for a new guy to date right now but reading this book helps me. I haven't been motivated to go to Cafe lately. I've just been sitting at home, drinking beer, and watching sub par sitcoms on Tuesdasy night. This week, I finally got off my ass and went out. I had a good time. I went to Connecting Group and contibuted to the disucssions. Afterwardws, I went to Kennedy's with friends and hung out until it was time for me to take the train home. I forgot that the earliest train I could take during the week is at 10:40. I had to take the last train out at 12:10.
I got home okay. I watched the end of a rerun of Conan then went to bed. I didn't do much yesterday, just got some food. Tonight, I went to the malls to walk around for an hour or so. I browsed expesive shops I could never afford. When I got home, Mom was watching a hockey game with Christina. I went online to check e-mail. After reading what e-mail I got, I decided to write a blog before I watch Grey's Anatomy.
This weekend, Mom and I will start decorating for Christmas. We'll sit Christina in front of the TV, put the History Channel on. Matt went out on Black Friday to buy flat screen TVs. He brought one for their room and one for the kitchen. The flat screen in the kitchen is a plasma TV. The picture is very clear. These TVs are too technical for Mom and Christina. Mom can use them okay but if Christina gets hold of the remote, she could screw up the TV royally. Mom and I hide the remote from her while she's with us weekends.

The Turkey Song

2008-11-21T07:37:00.000-08:00

I love that song. It's always played over and over again around Thanksgiving. I'm spending the holiday with Mom, Matt, Christina, and my grandparents and uncle. Matt ordered a 18lb turkey from Henry's. Today, I'll sit around tooling around the Internet until it's time for me to go home. We'll probably have to eat at the Anchor cause we'll probably be stuck in rush hour traffic coming from Boston.
Matt asked me if I was coming to the concert with Mom and Christina. They're going to a matinee concert today. I'm not going cause I don't have the cash for a rush ticket. I could've asked Matt for cash but I didn't think of it.

I'm alone all the time feeling comfortably numb

2008-11-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

Yes this fits. I'm alone all the time feeling comfortably numb. How true that is. I'm feeling very lonely these days. I didn't go to Cafe last week cause I didn't feel like commuting into town and have to take the commuter rail home after standing around after small group making small talk, going to Kenndy's having to get water cause I didn't have money for a real drink, more idle small talk then go home.
I forgot it was Large Group. John went to Large Group. The speaker was the same guy I'd seen the Sunday before so I didn't miss anything. Wednesday, Kellie invited me over to watch America's Next Top Model. I don't watch that show, but was grateful for Kellie to invite me over for that hour. Thursday night, I went to see a concert at Symphony Hall with Mom and Christina. The concert was amazing! It was so good I peed my pants lol no not literally! I took that line from Pretty Woman, but it really was a very well done concert- probably one of the best I've seen.
Symphony Hall is now having pre and post concert receptions free to ticketholders. We went to the post concert recpetion. Mom and Christina got a table with some other couple. I was gonna sit with them and get a glass of wine then go home. There was finger foods and free wine! As I was in line for the food, I heard a guy call me. I turned around and I saw a group of freinds from Park Street! My friend, Shelby invited me to join them at a table. Some of my freinds met Mom and Christina.
I ate and drank wine with my friends for a half hour or so then walked back to Christina's. Friday night, I did go out with John. It wasn't as fun as the last time we hung out. He was acting the same ways he used to. I don't think I'll hang out with him anymore- like never! We saw Madagascar 2 at the IMAX theater. It was okay. I might've thought going there would be more fun if I didn't go with John.
Saturday night, I went to see the final play of the season with Mom, Matt, and Christina. We ate dinner at home cause it's expensive to go out to dinner before the concert given the dismal state of the ecomony. We saw the play 42nd Street which I guess is a famous play. It was very good. When we all got home, Mom, Matt, and Christina watched news programs. I watched SNL until I fell asleep.
Sunday, we didn't do much. Mom and I took Christina home after Mom and Matt watched warstories on PBS. I read the November issue of Elle magazine in the living room while they watched this. Around 8ish, it was time to leave.
I went to therapy today. I didn't spend much time home cause Mom and I had to come back to Christina's before the van dropped her off. I decided to go to the libary to see if I could find a book to read. I didn't find a book to read- I found many to read! I didn't check out a book. I just toiled through the aisles of books on various subjects. It was almost 6 when I left. I walked home from the libary. Christina doesn't live too far from Copley Square at all. It was a waste of money to take the T there!
I had $10.00 left from what money I had. I tried to buy something at The Body Shop, but I couldn't afford anything. I ended up getting a cafe latte at Starbucks and a cookie. I have some change left over.
Tomorrow morning I have to wake up early. The surefire way to wake up early is to sleep in the same room with Mom. She snores so loud, I'd never get enough sleep! I'll be bitchy from lack of sleep, but if I want to shower in the morning, I'll have to make this sarcafice. I might go to small group tomorrow night, but it's kind of not worth it if I commute, make idle small talk at Kennedy's, then go home ? No real connections yet so why bother ? Still, it is something to do. Oh, I'll probably go. I haven't been to Park Street in a week or so anyway.

Long time, no blog

2008-11-03T14:49:00.000-08:00

I haven't written a blog in about a week or so. The charges have been dismissed for Matt. Now I'm living 80% of my week in Beverly and 20% in Boston. I don't see anyone while I'm home cause everyone is at work. I keep busy though. I went to get my food stamps card today. Tomororw I'll get groceries. Since I'm living with Mom and Matt again, they want me to learn how to budget what money I have so I can live indpendently in the not too distant future.
They'll make space for me in the fridges and the pantry for my food. One thing I learned while I was with Caleb was how to make a menu for the week, write out what I'll make for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and snacks, and stick to it. Write down what I'll need for food, and stick to that list.
I did the menu thing with Caleb for a few weeks until he didn't want to eat at home and talked me into getting food at the mall and McDonald's dollar menu.
I've seen John recently. After started staying in Boston, I was very lonely and depressed over losing Caleb and all. I agreed to meet John at Starbucks, but it took us three times to meet. I was busy he was busy. Finally, one Sunday afternoon, we hung out. He listened to me talk about my feelings and all. When we were talking outside at the reflection pool, it felt to me like I didn't know John at all. Like I was talking with a guy I've never met before. I leanred that John isn't the same guy he was when we were trying to date as a couple.
I've Facebooked John, we talk online often and sometimes over the phone. He has a job now and is thinking about moving out of his mom's house when he can afford it which might be soon. We won't move in together. John is also into being pure in his friendships. He told me that not only won't he fool around with girls until he gets married, he won't even kiss anyone! I thought that was kind of extreme but it's true. John didn't kiss me or try to kiss me a few weeks ago when we hung out.
I was surprised. Usually, he would be making out with me five minutes after seeing me. He tells me to seek God and stuff before I find love again..... like having a close realtionship with Jesus. Oh, yeah like I could be happy by finding love and comfort in Jesus who I can't see or hear or talk to like a person.
I looked at pics of Halloween in Salem. Looks like a good time. Sorry I wasn't there. I spent Halloween in the traffic of people who were gonna have fun. I went to dinner with Mom and Christina at the Anchor then fell asleep in front of Letterman. But, really, I'm glad all those couples decked out in Halloween costumes got to have a blast. I really am.
I'll be home for the next 2 1/2 days. Kellie might, might have time to see me one of those nights... we'll see. I wish I had internet access at my computer at home. Matt downgraded to DSL, I don't have a phone jack installed in my room. I'll have to wait until the electrician comes over which will be weeks after Matt calls. I guess I can get a good book to read. I'm debating on whether or not to commute to town tomorrow night to go to Cafe. Nobody really talks to me there, so why bother. I don't like small talk while everyone talks about going to parties and all. I'd see Josh but just chatting... that's why I'm glad I'm still friends with John. He talks to me cause he knows how it feels to be alone. It sucks.
I have to make dinner for Mom and I clean up, then watch Dancing with the Stars at 8 the SNL special at 9. I'll watch the local news, Sex in the City, get off, then go to bed. That's usually my nights. Who needs a guy when I say can say hello to Miss Hand ? It's not ideal but it does work for the time being...
I don't agree with some of the morals most Christians have. One thing I don't fully agree on is sex before marriage... I've done it with two guys so far. One I wasn't married to, and the other, well, we got married so we could do it- not that it was any good. More on that subject if I meet with girlfriends one of these days, weeks, or months.
These days the Internet is my best freind. It's always there when I need it and most nights there is someone to talk to- not on gmail- on Facebook. I have more friends on Facebook anyway. Usually, I talk to John. Some people on Facebook don't talk to me when I've instant messaged them. I've learned not to instant message people who don't reply. Send one IM, and no reply? Why bother... I contact those friends on their Facebook page.

Friday night dullness

2008-10-24T16:05:00.000-07:00

This has been a trying week for me. I had to go to court three times. I went to court Wednesday cause Mom and Matt tried to get an abusive prevention order against Caleb. Since he wasn't there, the court couldn't do anything. Thursday was fun. It was the only day where I didn't have to be anywhere. I took my time getting ready for the day Thursday. Mom and I went to the Pru and Copley malls to hang out for a few hours that day. We got coffee at Starbucks and browsed stores for clothes and shoes we'll never be able to afford.
Last night, I went out to play ultimate glow in the dark frisbee. A small group of people from Park Street had gathered at a park in Cambridge, on the red line. Josh had given me directions on how to get to this park. It was kind of hidden but I managed to find it. I'd eaten before I went out cause the group went to dinner at Bertucci's. I didn't order anything. I just ate rolls and had water. Dwan, a girl who was with the group offered me a picce of pizza.
I left to head home around 10. Today, I went to the meeting with the assitant D.A., Kim, D.A. Jay, and officer Prince. I told them all that I want to drop the remaining charges against Matt. I'd feel safe when I move back to Beverly to live with him, etc. They'd asked me if this all was my decsion. I said it was. Jay asked me what's going on with Caleb. I didn't say anything cause I would get emotional, plus I didn't want to hear what Officer Prince would say if I went on to tell them how Caleb abused me and all. I let them think what they wanted.
The meeting wasn't very long, about a half hour. I met Mom outside. We had coffee at the yacht club, then went out to lunch at the 99. Caleb or his parents has called Mom's cell recently. After lunch, Mom met Matt at the Best Buy in Saugus to have her cell # changed again. She thinks Caleb and his parents got her old # from something I wrote for the courts.
I tooled around the malls again after I'd gotten back into town. I got some samples and stuff. Mom had tried getting me some cash to go out tonight but she didn't put the cash Matt had got her today in her wallet. She and Christina went to the ballet tonight. I won't do much tonight. I'll watch sitcoms until 8, then watch whaever is good on cable in the den.

Can't wait to move

2008-10-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

I can't wait to move home. I have to appar in court a few times this week. Starting with tomorrow. I guess I'll read the letter I wrote telling that I want to drop the charges I brought against Matt. I never meant to do any of this. Caleb and his parents pressured me into filing the charges. This summer, they were angry at Matt cause they believed that he'd done these things. I guess Laurie still belives Matt is guilty. Caleb probably does as well.
I've been doing okay. These days I've gone back to going to Park Street Church. I've continued going to Connecting Group Tuesday nights. I'm sure I'll make new friends. Most of the people I'd met last year have joined individual small groups by now or whatever. I've seen some guys I'd met last year. Only a few familar faces remain. Friday night, I went to a welcome dinner. Kristen hosted the dinner at her apartment. From the looks of her apartment, she must have a good job. She's moving to a new place soon. Why would she leave the aprtment she has ? I'd like to live there.
I saw Josh that night. I talked with other guys that I'd met a few nights ago. The guy/girl ratio worked in my favor Friday night. I didn't make any real connections but I had a good time. Saturday, I did laundry. Mom had gone to meet Matt for dinner that night. I had to watch Christina which is always fun. I escaped to the Pru mall for an hour to break up the monotomy. I got back around 6 in time to make dinner. I watched the game that night and was phsyched that the Sox would play game 7 but lose to Tampa Bay.
All I can say is better luck next year for the Sox to win. I guess I'll watch the World Series. After the World Series, I'll switch gears to football or hockey.
This afternoon, I went to CVS to buy notebooks and pens then I went up to the Starbucks on MA Ave across from Berklee. College students were there working on thier laptops and talking amongst themeselves. It was crowded, there were no open tables. I asked a girl who was working on her laptop if I could sit with her. Relucatantly, she said yes. She must've thought I'd steal her cell phone. Once I'd taken off my jacket, she hid it under the table. It's a post 911 world. Everyone judges.
I wrote some poems while at Starbucks. I'd gotten another mocha. I wrote poems until 4:30ish then went to the Pru mall. I had Christina's charge card but told myself to buy what I wanted and leave. I could've spent way more on clothes and shoes. I just went to Sephora to buy a travel perfume and lipstick combo for $26.00. The girl at checkout assumed I couldn't afford it. She must've been surprised when I charged it.
I got back home around 5:30. I watched some of the news. Mom put a chicken pie in the oven for dinner. Yes, my life is sooo exciting ! Big deal. I'll have chicken pie for dinner, then read more shit Matt wants me to read. I'm appearing in court most of this week. Tomorrow it's to drop charges against Matt. Wednesday, it's for the abusive prevention order against Caleb. Friday it's a meeting with the assistant D.A.s, and probably Officer Prince. She'll be at court tomororw. I'll stand firm and not let her sway me into saying otherwise.
I've heard Caleb is hanging out with Mikey and other low lifes in Beverly. Carol has seen him with these people and walking alone. I don't know if he lives at the Y on Cabot street or whatever. I don't want to run into Caleb downtown but I probably will if I move back to live in Beverly. I've been advised to call 911 if I see him in the same places I go. The police would come and take him away. I don't want Caleb to go to jail. He wouldn't be able to handle it mentally.
I don't know what I'd do if I ran into him. He's called the home # to leave a long message that him and his parents want to get our marriage anulled. Mom and Matt suggest that I go through the entire divorce process and not remain friends with Caleb cause he could abuse me and try to sway my opinions agaist Matt.
I'll go to connecting group tomorrow night. I hope I don't rush there cause Mom decided to have drinks with Matt for half an hour then Mom would have to drop me off at the corner of MA Ave to go to the subway to be at Park Street in time for connecting group. I' ve heard people might go to Kennedy's afterwards and maybe try to get Jason's job back. Jason is a bartender that we all liked and was recently fired from Kennedy's. I don't know why he was fired. Jason seemed like a nice guy. He played good music while we all were there. If I end up going to Kennedy's, I'll try to have money for a drink. Or ask one of my friends to buy me one.
Wednesday night, some people will play utimate glow in the dark frisbee. I'll come but I won't play. I'll hang out on the sidelines with people. We're having dinner afterwars, so I'll try to have some money for this. Thursday is my only free day this week. I think Mom and I will move back home soon. One more week living here, at least that's what I heard. I have to drop the charges against Matt and tell the judge that I'd feel safe if I live with Matt. I'll probably know more if I'll move back home by the end of the week.
This has been one hellish year. I hope the new year is far better than this one. I'm spending the holidays with my dad and stepmom. I don't know if Heidi will spend the holidays with us. She's still dating her boyfriend Rob, who is a busssinessman of some type. I always knew Heidi would find a rich guy to live with. She's lucky. She still has somone to sleep with. I miss having a guy to sleep with. Not for sex, just to have a guy to sleep with!

My friend Bono

2008-10-16T11:20:00.000-07:00

Joshua sings like Bono! I swear he sounds very like him! Last weekend was a bust. Since I was bored, I decided to call John to ask if he'd like to hang out. We agreed to meet at Starbucks on Hunnington Ave. John was supposed to meet me by 2:30. It was after 3 when he got there. He said it was busy at Park Street.
We hung out for the remaider of the day. I've told him about Caleb and all. He wants to hang out with me to get me out of my funk and laugh more. He had his laptop with him cause he wanted me to watch an online church service. We watched that at the Sheraton Hotel- just to plug into wi-fi cause there wasn't a good connection at Starbucks.
I didn't feel attracted to John like I had in the past. I didn't feel anything for him. I wanted to go to Park Street Sunday but I didn't have money on my Charlie card. Sunday was too boring to remember. I didn't do anything Monday either. I don't remember if I did anything exciting. I think I went to the Pru mall to hang out for some of the afterrnoon to get away from Mom and Christina.
Tuesday I had therapy in Beverly. Tuesday night I went to Cafe. It was large group. I saw Joshua there. Of-course I was there early. Joshua came early as well. He sat with me during the service. It seemed that we're connecting which is good but I have to remember that I'm not dating this guy so I shouldn't feel crappy when he talks to other girls.
Some small groups had openings to sign up for after large group. I went downstairs, met some new guys but didn't make any real connections other than with Joshua. I didn't talk to many girls... like I've said the faces this year are new. I have to make friends all over again which isn't hard cause I did that last year.
Cafe is having some social events this fall. I'll probably go to most of them. It's good that there are social events to go to while I'm staying here. Speaking of which, the other day, Mom told me that there is a possibility of the three of us moving in to live with Christina. Originally, Matt had suggested that Christina would move in to live with us in Beverly but now he's realized that it would be a hard sell to convince her to move away from Boston and all the places she's familiar with.
It's not definite that we'd be moving to Boston. I'll probably live with Mom and Matt in Beverly this year, but I bet we'll move in to live with Christina in the not too distant future. When/if this happens, I'll tranfer to Bunker Hill Community College, get some type of certificate which is jack shit in this economy! I'll go to Northeastern for two more years to get my assocociates' degree so I'll be employable!
Tongiht, I'm going to a concert at Symphony Hall with Mom and Christina. She's mentioned going out to eat tongiht. We'll go to Legal Seafood before the concert. Tomorrow night, I'm going to the welcome dinner. Park Street no longer hosts welcome dinner. That's good. When Park Street hosted, the food wasn't that great. It was more cafestira style. Now, welcome dinners are hosted at people's apartments or homes.
People will gather at Park Street at 7pm. Joshua is going :) Of course the weekend will boring. I'll go to church Sunday afternoon but that's about it. Saturday afternoon, I'll probably escape to the Pru mall for awhile. Even if the weather isn't great, I'll still go out for awhile. Anything is better than sititng around all day watching reruns of cable news with Mom and Christina.

It's Friday night and I'm feeling allright

2008-10-10T16:03:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated my blog since Wednesday! Sadly, nothing new has gone on since then. I've called a computer tech support service to fix the connection between this computer and the printer. Someone will be here at 10am. This means Mom and I will have to get up early to eat breakfast, shower, etc before 10am..
There will be no lounging tomorrow morning :( I like to lounge in front of the mindless crap that's morning talk shows for a few hours. I don't have much motivation to get up and go. Mom and I will duke it out as to when I actually get my lazy ass off the couch.
Once the printer is working, I'll spend most of the weekend writing those letters. Mom and I were gonna cook dinner tonight. Mom and Christina ate TV dinners cause I had left around 5ish to tool around the Pru mall. I was out for an hour or less! I wanted to have a real dinner. I had to cook pizza in the oven. The Sox game is on at 8:30ish. I'll stare at whatever is good on TV until then. I don't watch any of the Friday night shows. I think there is nothing good on. I wish there could be shows I do watch on TV Friday nights.
I'm looking forward to moving back to Beverly. I miss my friends. I'm lonely most of the time around here. I do keep somewhat busy when Mom and I drive up to Beverly and all but I never see my friends cause I'm not really there to see friends. I'm there to go to therapy and do errands with Mom.
Monday is a holiday. I have therapy Tuesday. Since Monday is a holiday, maybe Mom, Christina, and I can go out to dinner? We'd go to Uno's cause it's less expensive than Legal Seafoods. We may or may not go out Saturday night to that projected oprea thing. It depends if Matt can get tickets to Mom or whatever.
While at the Pru mall, I was tired and wanted to get a sample of coffee. I asked a guy who was working at the Barnes and Noble Starbucks if they gave samples. That Starbucks doesn't give out samples. I walked to Starbucks at the Sheraton Hotel and asked there. Since they're a hotel and all, the girl gave me half a cup!
I noticed a piano sitting, unplayed in one section of the hotel. It made me think of Caleb and John. They'd be playing the piano if they were there with me.
Since the ecomony is very poor these days, I heard retailers are pushing holiday sales earlier than usual. It's Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas all in one long trip to the malls. I have barely thought of Christmas shopping but if this is true I might as well do it now. Or I could have to buy people 5 and 10 dollar gifts!
Monday is only Columbus Day! Before long it will be Halloween. I hope I'm living in Bevelry by Halloween! I know friends don't go to Haunted Happenings anymore, but it would be nice to be home before a month goes by! In the event that I'm not home by Halloween, then I hope Cafe or people at Cafe have parties.

Cafe Connections

2008-10-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

I did go to Cafe last night. Matt gave Mom $5.00 thinking it would be spending money for her. Uh, just $5.00 is barely spending money at all. It's enough to get coffee at Starbucks if that! She gave me the $5.00 which I put on my Charlie card. I had a good time at Cafe. Most of the faces has changed since I haven't gone to Cafe on a regular basis in a year.
I didn't see my friend, Erica. I hope she still goes to a small group. I did see some people I know from my time in Boston last year. I met Josh at Connecting group. I didn't feel excited with blind love just cause we talked for a few minutes and he told me that he'll pray for me. I'm hardly ready to meet guys for romantic reasons. It was nice of Josh to talk to me cause I felt so ugly and overweight while I rode the subway to Park Street.
Mom is doing better. She has to have her arm in a sling for two weeks. Niether of us knows how to put her arm in the sling so she doesn't wear it much. I know this could be bad for her shoulder that is trying to heal but there isn't many people around during the day to show Mom how to do this.
I didn't do much over the weekend. It was so boring, I forgot what I did ! Monday, I went to therapy in Lynn. I cried for most of the sesssion cause I was emotional to talk about Caleb. I haven't done much today except write a diary entry on the computer, check e-mail, now I'm writing a blog. I know this is dull and hardly exciting to read but my life isn't very exciting with going to work, school, etc. I want to take classes at Northshore again. I'm not taking any classes this semester cause I didn't enroll this past summer.
I wanted to but it was hard for me to get to Salem. Laurie, Caleb's mom works most of the week and it was hard to get to Beverly or Salem cause I had to get a ride to the bus stop in Danvers Square and get a ride back to Caleb's house once I got back there.
I'll probably enroll for classes for spring semester. It will be good for me to do something constructive with my time instead of feeling depressed and shitty all winter. Matt's kids are upset with me over what has gone on. I won't be seeing Lynn and her family anytime soon. I don't think I'll see Richard and Linda either. I don't know how we'll work out the holidays. I might be in Beverly for the Thanksgiving and probably spend Christmas with Dad and Linda.
I don't know if I'll see Heidi over the holidays. She'll probably see Rob's family or go somewhere else's house. She has friends all of the country. She could even spend the holidays on a white sand beach in Hawaii! I still think Heidi's life is perfect. She lives in fricking Florida!!! Her job is probably still managing Anne Taylor unless she manages another store.
I have to realize that Heidi didn't start out in the workforce managing clothing stores. While she was in high school and college she worked the average jobs. Could I work at an average job ? Oh, if only society would give me a chance! What would I like to do? Anything that isn't minumum wage jobs! I have more skills than that!
I have limited options for these jobs cause I can't do anything fact paced like work at a nursing/retiremen home in the kitchen. I can't stand 18 hours on my feet working any counter job or bagging groceries. I have to have a little higher job- a job I sit down at such as doing genral office work. Of course none of these jobs are availble right now. I can only try getting intrnships through Northshore.

Two week stay in Beantown

2008-10-03T10:09:00.001-07:00

Ugh. Mom's snoring woke me up last night. I slept on the couch for the remainder of the night. Christina must've went to bed early last night cause she was up early today. I think Mom cracked or bruised a bone in her shoulder. She was in some real pain and called Matt who picked her and Christina up to go to Lahey Clinic in Burlington.
I've kept somewhat busy this afternoon. I watched some of a cheesy romantic comedy I've seen before, and been on and offline. There's preseason hockey later on. Since Mom probably won't be here to watch the game, I won't watch it myself cause I'm not a huge hockey fan. Tomorrow, two games are being played- the Pats in the afternoon, then the Sox game at night.
It's hard not being with Caleb and not being able to contact him. I know he's not the right guy for me but I do miss him. He's probably doing okay. The last time I talked to him, he told me that he's gonna rent a room at the Y on Cabot street.
We're gonna be leagally separated soon followed by divorce. It sucks that I'm in Boston for two weeks or so and don't have any freind's #s to call to hang out. If I go to Cafe Tuesday night I'll get #s then. Until Tuesday, I'll find things to do tomorrow. Monday, I have to go to Beverly for therapy. I hope Mom is well enough to drive me. If not, I'll take the train and bus.
Next weekend, Mom and I are going to see an oprea in a movie theater in Revere. The New York Metropolitan opera's concert will be shown in Revere.
I want to see and talk to Matt these days but I know I can't- at least not now. It's not even 3:00. The news will be on as soon as the golf and tennis games are over. The news isn't on until these games are fully over. I didn't really see the news earlier cause I was taking care of Mom.
I could leave Christina's to go out, but I'd have to call Mom's cell to tell her that I'm going out. This sounds good on paper cause I don't have a key to Christina's apt. I'll have to stay here until whenever Mom gets back from Lahey. She'll be sitting in the ER for awhile . I think she'll be seen sooner cause of the pain she's in. I hope she's not admitted to stay there. If this happens then I'd have to be here alone all day during the week!
I haven't heard anything from her. She's probably waiting in the ER. I can't wait to move back to Beverly so I can see my friends and all. I know they can't see me all of the time cause they work during the week. It will be good to have coffee with them, see movies on DVD, whatever. It's 20 of 3:00. Should I drink now or wait until later? There's a few beers in the fridge. I guess it won't hurt if I have one now. It's the weekend!

and the shit goes on

2008-10-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Today, Mom and I are going to Salem District court to file the restraining orders against Caleb and his parents. Matt wrote a summary of Caleb's abuse. I read it, and found out some things I didn't really know about or knew but didn't register at the time. Mom and I will live in Boston at Christina's apt for the next two weeks until everything is normal again.
Josh, Caleb's brother will be the only way to contact Caleb.
Mom and Matt don't want to put Caleb in jail cause they know that this wouldn't be good for his mental health. However, they do want to see some type of justice. How do I feel ? I really don't know at this point regarding not being with Caleb anymore. I do feel like I'm safe though and my family and extended families are glad of this.
I'll be staying in Beverly until tomorrow afternoon. I'll find things to do while I'm staying in Boston. I'll probably get reaquainted with my freinds at Park Street. I know I'll see John. He's not pursuing me like he was before. I know not to date him ever again cause of what he'd done to me. Ugh two crappy realionships so far.
I'm reminded of a scene from Sex in the City. Carrie is sleeping with a new guy ( think Jon Bon Jovi played). They met a therapy office and hit it off well. While in bed, Carrie asked why her new beau is in therapy. He replies, I sleep with women then leave. He asked, What about you? "I sleep with the wrong men". Oh how true this is with me. I've had two crappy realtionships not cause of just sex. I pick the wrong men. John and Caleb are prime examples.
Who is the right type of guy for me to have a long term, loving realtionship with for me ? I know the anwer but I don't want to admit it. Sigh, it's not the types of guys I want. It's guys whom I'd rather not date or just be friends with.

Friends, how many of us have them ?

2008-09-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

Caleb called me from Bayridge. He's been trying to reach me for days. I wonder how he reached me now cause Mom changed her cell # and Matt changed the home #. I think Caleb knows the home #. So, he misses me and wants to be friends. He still thinks we can have a relationship cause we're still married. Once we're leagally separated we won't be. He still wants to be with me.
I told him that Mom and Matt are getting a restraining order against him for Mom and I. It's for Mom as well cause she's afraid of him. I'm not so much afraid, I just don't want to deal with the mental and emotional abuse he does to me, yet I agreed to see him downtown once he's released from the hospital.
The day game is being played now. Mom has left to go to watch the game with Matt either at the Anchor or at the yacht club. It's been a dull afternoon. I've downed two glasses of wine already. I told Mom to come back as soon as the game is over. The Red Sox were losing the last time I checked but they could be ahead now. If they were losing earlier, Mom would've been here by now.
When Caleb called from Bayridge, he was gonna go out for the 15 minute walk. He should be inside by now. He's been at Bayridge for a few days. I wonder when he'll be be discharged ? He'll probably be there far longer than I was.

Oh how I wish it would rain down on me

2008-09-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

Ugh I don't like this rain. It's dreary and depressing looking outside. Mom, Christina and I rode to Beverly yesterday. Mom, Matt, and Christina had dinner at the Anchor. Mom ordered me take out from the Anchor to eat in the unit. After dinner, we all went to see a play at Northshore Music Theater. The play for now is Showboat. It was a movie in the 60s. Mom told me that she'd seen the movie version with Nana and her sister, Stephanie.
Mom, Christina and I spent last night at Summit. Early this morning, Mom and I got up to drive to the shelter in Gloucester to get my clothes. Little did Mom know that the shelter closes around quarter of 8am and won't reopen until 5:00pm. Mom decided to suck it up and drive to Gloucester tomorrow afternoon.
I've been bored for most of today. The Red Sox game is in a rain delay. Mom and Christina are reading the papers or just sitting around. Eventually, the three of us will go back to town. Today there should be a day/night double header for the Red Sox and Yankees. If the day game gets cancelled I hope the night game will be played.
Mom and I will stay in Beverly Tuesday and Wednesdays for a few weeks. I hope I can see my friends while I'm staying in Beverly. I'd come to church with them but I'll be in town. I might go to Park Street next week. Mom suggests that I see Dad next weekend. That would be nice. I haven't seen my dad since May, when I was living with Caleb and his parents. He got a new job, after a very long time looking for a job. He likes his new job. I haven't seen him lately cause of all the shit that has been going on.
I mentioned the possibility of spending the holidays with him and Linda. He and I will talk more about this later on. It's not even Halloween yet! Wednesday is October 1st though. I like October cause of baseball playoffs. This year I can watch them. Last fall, I barely saw them and we were in the World Series!!! Caleb doesn't like to watch baseball or any sport. The next guy I get involved with will be a sports fan, not a sissy sports fan, a real sports fan! I'd love to go to Fenway Park with a guy who likes baseball as much as I do.
I'm gonna put off searching for love cause I was blinded by it while I dated then married Caleb. If I knew the facts more, that Caleb is really not ready to be married, and to a woman for that matter! He's confused about his sexual orientation. If I had accepted the fact that I shouldn't be more than friends with him, things would've remained the same.
An poster a friend of mine used to read "You can't change your past, but you can change your future." This is very true. With my faith, I can.

One in the lonliest Numberrr

2008-09-26T07:34:00.000-07:00

One love, one hurt, we get to carry each other. Love Hurts, love swarms, love stinks yeah yeah!
This has been one fucked up year for me. I met Caleb one year ago. We dated for less than a year then for unknown and stupid reasons we felt that we loved each other enough to get engaged and married aka elope. April 1, 2008 was my 28th b-day. I had invited my grandparents to come over for a family b-day party. I invited Caleb as well. That next day, my dad had come up to see me. Caleb and I were eloping that night. We went to the 99 to eat. I was trying to get back to downtown Bevelry to meet Caleb. I didn't tell Dad what was going on. I just told him I had to be downtown at 5:30.
So the first few weeks of April began my fucked up marriage to Caleb. We lived in and out of hotels, I drained my college savings account which was meant to pay for tuition and books. In April, Caleb casually asked me if I was ever sexually abused cause that night he'd gone out to meet with one of the guys who had sexually abused him. I said no at first but thought of my stepdad which he really didn't do those things I'd said about him. I had told everyone all this due to pressure from Caleb and his family. I never wanted to press charges or make Mom and Matt go through what they went through these past six months.
I'm in the process of restoring my life and the lives of those around me. Caleb and I have had a rough month and a half. We had moved to a boarding house, the Greycoft Inn in Beverly the end of July and had stayed there until Labor Day in Septemeber. We were evicted from our room Greycoft Inn cause of Caleb and his dad calling the police a couple times which made the tennants who live there angy at Caleb and I.
We were homless and had to find a place to stay. We spent a night at a friend's apartment. I had spent a few weeks in a psych ward due to the stress of being homeless and all. After I got out of the phych ward Caleb and I met Debbie, a freind who works at the Anchor who helped us go to Action Sheler in Gloucester. We stayed there for a week until Caleb decided that he would leave the shelter this past Sunday night. The rules at this shelter is that people can't sign out once they sigh in for the night. If they do, they can't return to the shelter for three days at a minimum.
Caleb had spent Sunday night at his brother's apartment then another night at his parents' house. The other day, his dad dropped Caleb off in front of the shelter. It hadn't been three days yet. Someone had told Caleb he could come back sooner which was false information. Caleb got into some confrontations with some of the staff. He spent that night in a friend's car then walked over to the shelter to see me. We had walked to DD to hang out until I met Mom. Caleb had wanted to stay wiht me in Beverly until he gets a job and moves out on his own.
Mom, Matt, and most of my family told me that I'd have to be strong and leave Caleb in the dust. Caleb did come to Beverly with Mom and I but Mom had dropped him off in front of Atomic Cafe. Later on, I found out that Caleb's friend Joel was driving him to Beverly Hospital. As of now he's been admitted to the same phych ward I had stayed at three weeks earlier. I've asked Carol, the manager of the rooming house to help me get a legal separation and divorce from Caleb.
As for me, I'm gonna live with Mom and Christina a few days during the week, some nights I'll stay in Bevelry. Since the legal stuff over Matt isn't resolved yet, Matt will stay at a hotel/motel the nights I stayt in Beverly. My dad is offering to take me in for a few days... I might spend some weekends with him and Linda.

So, that's all folks.... hope to keep in touch